Discover how to take charge of your life

Life without constant anxiety, self doubt, low self esteem, or inner conflict 

When we take charge of our lives, it is often to overcome these obstacles which have been stopping us living as we would wish to.  There are two reasons they are there:  Firstly they are there because our brains in survival mode have been looking after us really well, and stopping us from doing anything that might lead us towards threat or danger.  Think doubt (is this safe?), anxiety (something could happen at any time, so keep a look out!). 

Secondly, some of the things that our brains have had to do to keep us safe when we were in very difficult situations, have been overwhelming.  Think ‘too fast’, ‘too intense’, ‘too much’, ‘too long’.  If something has happened too quickly for us to be able to respond adequately, or we were physically or emotionally overwhelmed by the intensity, or it was just too much, too strong for us, or if it went on for too long, our brains may not be able to return to a healthy ‘normal’.  It may be helpful to think of this as our brains ‘blowing a fuse’ (although this is absolutely NOT what happens in the brain!).  I hope that is a helpful metaphor.

This leads to a kind of paralysis, or ‘stuckness’ in which we can’t do what we want to do because either our brain thinks it may be dangerous, or we just don’t have the tools to do it at a healthy ‘normal’ level of activation.

It also leads to acute or chronic inner conflict when the rational part of our brain wants to do something, and the survival part vetoes it.  This means that we can’t make decisions, or we undermine our own decisions, or, we sabotage any attempt to carry out our decisions and put them into action.

It’s only when we patch, repair, or replace the functions, thoughts, emotional responses, and mindsets in the brain which have been altered by overwhelm, that we can begin to take charge of our lives.  This is not a ‘rational brain’ problem, but an issue with underlying unconscious brain settings, which direct, and even control, all our rational thoughts.  If you have ever tried to argue or rationalise your way out of anxiety, or low self-esteem, you will know that that is the case.

 

What we need to take charge of our lives

There are five steps needed to take charge of our lives successfully, so that we can live life feeling comfortable in our own skins.

  • Connect deeply with our sense of self
  • Find the direction in life for us which aligns with our growing sense of self
  • Give our brains a ‘whole brain reboot’ for beliefs, boundaries and emotional responses, and get our rational and unconscious/emotional modes of the brain agreeing which each other.  We root out and replace expectations and beliefs which hold us back; install ways of thinking which help us feel safe and move forward; check, strengthen, and enhance our boundaries, physical, mental and emotional, so we can interact with others safely and happily; and learn to experience and use our emotional responses as they are designed to be used, along with the physical effects they have in the body.
  • With a deeper sense of self, we explore the directions which align with us, knowing that our rational and unconscious brains are on the same page;  We make decisions which we can stand behind fully, and we make plans which are reverse engineered, checked, and totally doable.  
  • Take action!  We may have a strong sense of self, know our direction in life, have everything aligned at the rational and emotional levels, and have workable, realistic, ambitious plans.  But if we do not take action, nothing will happen.

Alma

“I want to thank you again for the help you gave me a few years ago now. You were just lovely and kept me going when I felt I’d never recover from the fatigue. Fast forward a few years and I have been working since, I got my dog 2.5 years ago a wolf type husky who I take for walks every day and I have been antidepressant free for 12 months. 

Thank you so so much for the work you do Anne, you are a legend”.

 

Tim

“Before, I used to wonder how people could make big decisions with such apparent confidence. I ended up accepting this as a reality (for them), but now I feel I can do this too.”

Connecting with your sense of self

Having a strong sense of self is key to taking charge of your life.  After all, if you don’t quite know who you are, how can you tell what is good for you?  How can you make decisions about your life, when the ‘you’ is a bit of a mystery?  In the work that I do with my programme members, we look at what is really ‘you’, deep down inside, and how to recognise that, and align with it.  You learn how to nurture and strengthen the aspects of you, which you want to take forward.

Having a strong, healthy sense of self provides your anchor inside, for you to explore the world without doubt or fear, knowing that you can always come ‘home’ to yourself.  It give you a benchmark for you to make decisions against, and it gives you your direction and purpose in life.

There is a blog post here about Sense of Self.  Just click on the blue link.

We make a deep dive into sense of self in the programme Making Great Life Decisions (because you wouldn’t be able to make any great life decisions without it!), and you can start here in the mini-programme Discovering your Sense of Self for £49.

 

Finding your direction

The next step is to start exploring which direction(s) in life may be good for you.  Your way of finding this out is to see how it aligns with your growing sense of self.  How does this direction feel when you are connecting with your sense of who you are, deep down inside?  Don’t make any great decisions at this point, don’t change anything.  Just play, explore, be curious.  This is just the start and you will come back to your findings later.

The mini-programme Discovering your Sense of Self will start you off on this journey, and we explore how to find your direction and purpose in the Making Great Life Decisions programme.  Just click on the blue links for the details.

 

Whole brain reboot  

This is also known as ‘getting your rational and emotional brains on the same page’.  After connecting with your sense of self, this is the most important part of the process of taking charge of your life.  After we have lived through some ‘interesting times’, our brains will be full of reactions and responses that were useful at the time of need, but are now out of date and not so helpful any more.

We have all experienced knowing rationally that there is ‘nothing to worry about’, but we still worry.  Or that we are in a very safe place, but we are still anxious.  We can get quite ratty with ourselves that we don’t seem to be responding rationally, but are responding to something that was over and done with a long time ago.

We may find that our minds are flooded with really unhelpful thinking loops, anxious, doubting, perfectionist (nothing ever quite good enough!), and we don’t seem to be able to get out of the loop.  Or we catastrophise, or spend ages in imaginary arguments which we somehow never win.  At the end of the day, when we’ve battled to exhaustion, we may have negative beliefs coming up over and over, like ‘you’ll never make it’, ‘who do you think you are’, ‘I’ll always be poor/alone/stupid’.  These are really nasty beliefs that we have usually picked up from as early as childhood, and need rooting out.  None of them are true!

Or, if we get this far, we make really good plans, and then find that we can’t actually carry them out.  Something stops us, or we self-sabotage.  Or we discover that we are not good at making decisions at all.  We can’t make our minds up, or we go to and fro, or we don’t even know what we are looking for.  We are stuck and helpless.  We spend hours going over it, get nowhere, then we just numb out on netflix or IG, and the whole thing starts again the next day.

You need to know that none of this is your fault!  It’s your brain trying to keep you safe, or unable to respond in a better way, after the experiences, circumstances and situations you have been through.  You have done your best.

We can do something about this, though.

There are blogs here which address some of these issues.  Have a look at Self Confidence, or for one on thought loops which get out of hand there’s Anxious Thought Loops here, which also tells you what to do about them.  My blog post on Mindset explains what that is and why it’s good to cultivate a healthy mindset, and if you feel overwhelmed sometimes, there’s a blog post on Overwhelm here, with four simple things you can do to avoid it or recover when it happens.

You can experience the full Whole Brain Reboot  the programme Making Great Life Decisions, and there are some free programme here to start you off.

Morning anxiety.  A free video series for everyone who battles morning anxiety and needs the tools to get their day started with confidence.  Here are five tried and tested, highly effective ways to get you up and enjoying the morning!   Click on the blue link above to access this series.

Escaping anxious thinking loops.  Discover how to deal with catastrophising, generalising, labelling, personalising, and the natural negative bias, so you can feel reassured, and make the right decisions for you.  A free video series, which you can access by clicking on the blue link above.

The three most common mistakes in making big decisions.  A PDF download.  Discover the three most common mistakes in making big decisions:  how and why to avoid them, and what to do instead.  Click on the blue link above for your download.

Saying “NO” like a pro.  We often find it very difficult to say “no” without sounding rude, selfish, or without inviting conflict.  It helps to have the words, and to know how to say them.  With this PDF download you can discover how to hold your ground, say what you want (and what you don’t want), and how to say “No” without being rude.  Discover the rules and use the mix and match words and phrases to be gentle but firm.  Click on the blue link above.

Changing how we feel about money.  This is a 21 day email challenge to root out your negative or harmful beliefs about money, wealth, and what it feels like to have money.  Each day there is a new email with a short exercise, as I guide you through rooting out beliefs and thoughts, deciding which ones you want to keep and which you want to leave behind, and, of course, which new beliefs and thoughts you want to take on.  Bit by bit you will find new beliefs to substitute for the old, unwanted ones, and you’ll also discover how to install these beliefs so they stay with you and become automatic.  There’s a video series to accompany the emails in the facebook group, which you can access when you join.  Click on the blue link above to start.

This programme is based on neuroscience and utilises current research into how we automate thoughts and beliefs (and behaviours!) so they become unconscious – a little like how we ride a bike or use our phones, without having to consciously think about how to do it.  

 

Making decisions and planning for your desired outcome

Now you have a much stronger sense of self, you have an idea of the direction your would like your life to go in, and you have begun to heal, repair, patch and renew your brain’s responses to life, you can start making decisions, knowing that you are not going to have to undermine them, self-sabotage, procrastinate, or demand absolute perfection before you do anything.

When you have made a decision that resonates with you and your sense of self, deep down inside, it’s time to plan and reverse engineer the desired outcome.  There are specific tools we use for that in the Making Great Life Decisions programme, which will not only tell you what you need to do to achieve your goal, and in which order, but will give you a sense of progress as you move towards success.  There is fortnightly group coaching (live with me) to help you with all of this.

Taking action

Take action!  Again, we do a deep dive with real time fortnightly coaching (with me, not an AI bot) in the Making Great Life Decisions programme.  Any of the mindset exercises will help you here, and there is a blog post on Taking charge of your life here.  Have a look at the Pie with Three Sections bit, as that will help with taking action, whatever the circumstances.

I hope this has helped make it clear what is really needed for you to take charge of your life.  When I think of the amazing women and men who have taken charge of their own lives, I can see where they have all these elements in the mix.  They know who they are, they know in general what their direction is to be, they have done a ton of mindset work and nervous system reregulation, they make decisions which align with who they are, they are really good planners, and they take action.  

I really hope that you can be one of those people too!

For all the good stuff, free and paid, click here